What not to say to someone with dementia

Caring for someone with dementia often means learning a new way of communicating. The way we speak can either bring comfort or cause confusion. When someone you love is living with dementia, everyday conversations can sometimes feel like walking a tightrope. Here are some common phrases to avoid and kinder alternatives that help build trust and understanding.

1. Don’t correct false beliefs 

It’s natural to want to set the record straight if someone says something that isn’t true. But for someone with dementia, their version of reality can feel just as real to them as ours does to us. Challenging that can be upsetting.

Try this instead: Ask yourself whether correcting them is truly necessary. If it’s not causing harm, gently comfort them and change the subject. Distraction with a favourite activity, a cup of tea, or a familiar show can help shift the mood.

2. Avoid saying “Remember when…?” 

It might feel kind to jog someone’s memory. But asking them to remember can highlight gaps and make them feel tested or even embarrassed. This can lead to frustration or withdrawal.

Try this instead: Say, “I remember when…” and share a short, warm memory. This invites them in without putting pressure on their memory. They might respond with their own version, or simply enjoy the moment.

3. Be sensitive about death 

If someone brings up a loved one who has died, reminding them of the loss can cause deep distress. They may experience the grief as though hearing the news for the first time.

Try this instead: Gently steer the conversation towards memories: “Tell me more about your sister.” You can also offer comfort by acknowledging their feelings and listening without correcting. Sometimes, a gentle touch or presence is more powerful than words.

4. Don’t let your frustration show 

Caring can be exhausting, especially when questions are repeated or confusion causes tension. But snapping out of frustration can cause hurt and deepen feelings of helplessness.

Try this instead: A kind tone and a patient reply go a long way. If you’re struggling, give yourself permission to step back. Reconnect when you’re calmer. You matter too, and your well-being helps keep communication caring.

5. Avoid saying “I’ve just told you that” 

Hearing this can feel like being scolded. It draws attention to their memory difficulties and may lead to shame or anxiety.

Try this instead: Respond calmly, as if it’s the first time they’ve asked. If you feel tired or irritated, it’s okay to pause and take a breather. Step into another room, count to ten, or take a few deep breaths before continuing.

6. Avoid open-ended questions 

Questions like “What did you do this morning?” or “What do you want to eat?” can be overwhelming. They may not remember the options, or struggle to find the words.

Try this instead: Share what you did first: “I had toast this morning - would you like some too?” Use the here and now. Familiar items, like a family photo or a favourite mug, can help start gentle conversations.

7. Avoid recognition tests

“Do you know who I am?” can spark fear or guilt if they don’t recognise you. These moments are hard for everyone involved.

Try this instead: Greet them warmly: “Hi Mum, it’s Lucy, your daughter.” A friendly reminder is reassuring and allows them to feel safe without pressure.

8. Don’t overload them 

Long explanations or lists of instructions can cause confusion. Processing information takes more time.

Try this instead: Keep it simple. Give one step at a time, in plain language. Allow space for them to respond. Short, familiar routines often work best.

9. Don’t talk down to them 

Avoid using a childlike tone. It can feel disrespectful and disempowering.

Try this instead: Speak in a warm, adult tone. Use their name. If they enjoy nicknames or terms of endearment, use them with care and affection. Respect and dignity are key.

Carrying on with kindness 

There’s no perfect script. Everyone with dementia is different, and every day brings new challenges. What matters most is patience, compassion and flexibility. If a conversation doesn’t go well, that’s okay. Try again later. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out for support.

You’re not alone in this. And your care, even on the hard days, makes a difference.

Sources: Alzheimer’s Society