How to support someone who refuses help

It’s common for people with memory problems or dementia to resist help, even when they’re struggling. They might be in denial, feel scared or simply not see how much support they need. As someone who cares, this can feel frustrating or worrying. But with patience and the right approach, it’s possible to make a difference.

Here are some tips that might help:

Try to see it from their point of view

Refusing help isn’t unusual, especially early on. They might:

• Be afraid of losing independence

• Feel embarrassed or ashamed

• Not realise how much they’re struggling

Try to step into their shoes. This can make it easier to stay calm and kind, even when things are hard.

Pick your moment

Choose a quiet, relaxed time to bring things up. Avoid talking during arguments or when either of you feels upset. Let them share how they’re feeling, even if they seem defensive.

Talk about the positives

Rather than saying, “You need help,” try focusing on what they might enjoy or find easier. For example:

• “Wouldn’t it be nice if someone helped with the shopping, so you could rest?”

• “This group sounds fun - they do music and games.”

Framing support as something positive can make it feel less like a loss of control.

Involve trusted professionals

If they’re strongly resistant, speak to their GP or another healthcare professional. GPs are used to these conversations and can sometimes introduce the idea of help in a way that feels more acceptable. NHS memory clinics or support groups can also offer support and practical tips.

Start small

If bigger changes feel too much, try something small. For example:

• Help with cleaning or meals

• Joining a group for just one session

• Trying out a calendar or reminder app

Small steps can build trust and confidence over time.

Don’t forget your own needs

Caring for someone who’s refusing help can be exhausting. It’s OK to feel worn out or stuck. Support is available for you too - organisations like the Alzheimer’s Society, Age UK and Dementia UK offer helplines. You may also find a carers support group helpful.

Be patient with the process

Change doesn’t happen overnight. The person you are supporting may need time to adjust. Keep showing up with kindness and understanding. Even if progress feels slow, every small step matters.

Useful contacts 

Alzheimer’s Society Helpline: 0333 150 3456

Age UK Advice Line: 0800 678 1602

Dementia UK Admiral Nurse Helpline: 0800 888 6678